Psalm 139.16

Psalm 139:16 reads, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

I hesitate before you all as I begin to type this entry. Today has been an unusual day. It started out just as any other day would have, with hurried attempts to get the house picked up and laundry started before I hear Jaiden's sweet voice. Then I went to get her with the usual, sweet requests of "mama, look at birds please" as I take her straight to her window from her crib to see if there are any birds outside her window as they often are in the morning. We also went to the park and played on the playground and hit the grocery store on the way home. All of these things are almost routine on a daily basis.

But there was something that has been hanging over me today and it's a feeling that I hadn't felt in such a long time. And although I have been smiling off and on all morning, there was something missing. And as enjoyable as my day has been, it has hit me. I miss Savannah. I really miss my sweet baby girl. Now, I think of Savannah all of the time. I am able to smile and laugh and think of the beautiful memories I've had with her. But there are days, days like these, that for some reason are like a kick to the stomach. I just really ache inside for her.

Perhaps it is because I wonder what she would have been like as I watch Jaiden go from words to sentences with a similar sweet voice. Perhaps it's because they both call me "mama" over-emphasizing the M's. And maybe it's because Jaiden is just as determined yet soft in her demeanor. Nonetheless, the ache is here today.

I am so grateful that I have come to a point in my life where I no longer question God's intention for her death. Psalm 139:16 has never been more true or evident than a day with Savannah... "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." To question her death to me would be equivalent as questioning the days of her life. I do not intend to question our Almighty God as much as I would be able to understand His explanation. But the truth remains: It hurts. It hurts 5 years and 10 months from the day she went to Heaven.

It amazes me how we go through so many things in our lives. It amazes me further how God has had it all in this Master plan. I'm continuously reminded of the blessings I have in my life (those that are currently here and those that have since passed, but the effect yet remains).

It saddens me to know that there are families out there right now that have the agony and sorrow in their hearts this instant, as they live through the nightmare of discovering their child has been lost to this thing called SIDS. Lord, I pray that you wrap your arms around those individuals because although you did get me through it, I cannot imagine being in that place right now. And I also pray for those who are in the same position as I am right now... years from that moment when their lives changed forever, that still ache to hold their precious children in their earthly arms.

Our God is an amazing God. Every day that he has given me. Every morning that I tear through our home getting things picked up and laundry cleaned is a blessing. Every whispered plea to look out the window at the birds by Jaiden are a blessing. Every safely traveled trip to the park and grocery store are a blessing. There are days that go by that I don't even think about what's happening because I am just going with the flow. And there are days when something is lingering over me and I think it's an important reminder from our God to keep going. A reminder that tells me, "Look how far you've come. Look ahead to what I have planned for you."

I will hold onto His words in Psalm 139:16: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." The Author of my life is the most amazing Writer ever to be and yet to come. I know that the books of my life that lie ahead are going to be great. There will be dramas, comedies, and tragedies. But I look forward to them. How else could I possibly go from today's chapter of grief and turn the page of my life and look forward to reading tomorrow? I do not know what will come tomorrow, but I am confident that whatever the Lord has ordained for us, He has already proudly written.